Women I

by zenquaker

There’s this woman. I’ve known her for a long time, and been in love with her for a long time. Earlier this year we dated briefly. She treated me horribly, and betrayed my trust.

That was months ago. Today I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I don’t know when it started, but I noticed it first during meditation. I was lost in thought about her, and every second of it was painful. I tried hard to concentrate on the here and now, but I just kept coming back to her. I thought to myself that meditation time was the absolute wrong time to be stuck in depressive, painful fantasies about this woman. But I kept coming back to them.

I don’t know why. I didn’t see her today. I barely saw the ripples of her existence today. Much more than I’ve seen other times without getting caught up in her. What was different today? The only thing I can think of is the work I did with self quantification. That seemed to bring me closer to reality, not deeper into delusion. Maybe it just allowed what I was suppressing to bubble to the top. Maybe by mellowing other feelings it let my feelings toward her loose.

I guess it doesn’t matter why. I got past it. Unfortunately I got past it by being angry in different fantasies with different people. Doing my Chess training helped, though. It got me past even the anger.

The worst part is that I still love her.