Women II

by zenquaker

Wednesday at work I was talking to some people. While we were all chatting about clouds, Thanksgiving, and Sharp Floor, Tall Needle walked around the corner. I have talked about Tall Needle before in the post Women I, but WordPress is not letting me insert hyper links today, so I can’t give it to you in one click.

She was so beautiful it was painful. Her hair and her blouse filled me with desire, and I knew that desire was dead on arrival, and it hurt. Her smile reminded me of how funny and smart she is, and how much I enjoyed just sitting and talking to her, but that won’t happen again and it hurt.

I couldn’t look at her, and as soon as I could I left and went back to my cube to work. She noticed and came back to my cube to talk to me, and if I am to be honest I must admit that part of me planned it that way. I want her to see my pain, because I have this stupid belief that if she did, she would feel guilty and give me a second chance. We talked briefly and she left, but I went to her later and admitted and apologized for my manipulation.

She laughed at me. She does that every now and then, and it makes me feel rejected all over again. I think that is just me though, and she is laughing because she sees something in me that she likes. Because after that she sent me an email saying it would be really cool if we could be friends again.

I swear I spent a half hour staring at that email. I eventually shot off a response saying I didn’t know how to say what I needed to say, and I needed the holiday to come up with something “coherent and non-manipulative.”

The problem is that while I still have some positive feelings about her, I really felt hurt and betrayed by the way she treated me after that one glorious, confused date we had. And she cut things off completely, she wouldn’t even talk to me for a while after she dumped me. So there is all these unresolved feelings, and I don’t think we can have a new  (friendly) relationship without resolving the stuff left over from the last (romantic) one.

I spent the whole drive down to Charlottesville that day trying to think of the right way to say all this to her. I spent a fair bit of time thinking about it while I was down there, and thinking about it again on the drive back up. And then I realized that thinking about it so much wasn’t doing me a damn bit of good. I started thinking about other things, some fantasies, some planning. I got back home, had some turkey pepperoni pizza, and worked on my Chess (found some awesome endgame videos). By the time I was done with all that I was on top of the world, feeling wonderful all by myself.

It really makes me wonder what the hell I need women or friends for.