Movie Review XXIX

by zenquaker

Echelon Conspiracy

When he gets back to his hotel after consulting on some computer security in Bangkok, Max finds an unexpected package waiting for him at the front desk. Inside is a mysterious cell phone. Text messages start to come in, giving him advice that turns out to be eerily good. Soon enough he has hit men, G-men, and No Such Men chasing him around the world, trying to find out who is sending him those text messages.

I think the real conspiracy here is that this movie was made by a bunch of tube fed geeks from slashdot. The whole plot line is a combination of their worst paranoid fantasies combined with some geek power trip where only the guy from IT can save the day. And oh, God, is it bad [-]. It only gets worse when the “characters” start to talk [-]. I’m lucky I don’t have an ice pick, or I would have jammed in my ears to please make it stop. I was watching this movie, wondering what they had on Martin Sheen and Ving Rhames to blackmail them into being in it, and I thought to myself “at least the action scenes aren’t that bad.” That was before the Moscow Car Chase, which the universe apparently decreed in order to balance out every Steve McQueen movie ever made [-]. I should have known that the movie was going to be bad when the ultra high tech computer security was a password of all numbers engraved on a piece of metal [-]. But in a masochistic fit I stuck it out to the end, which was a complete ripoff of War Games, with worse computer graphics [-]. It’s been 26 years since then! Couldn’t you manage to beat a jumped up version of Missile Command!?

Final Rating: 0/10 [if my rating system had negative numbers, I’d give this movie negative oomph just to put it there]

Best Quote: The best quote was when they were too busy getting shot at to say anything.