On the way out of work today I saw Tall Needle talking on the phone. We’ve generally agreed to be friends, but I don’t think she really wants to be friends. She just wants to not deal with what happened between us. I went along with it because I don’t see any point in causing her more suffering. But today it was pretty obvious she was talking to her new boyfriend on the phone, and it hurt.
I don’t know why. Not that I’m guiltless in our relationship, but in many ways she really did treat me horribly. So why would I want to be with her again?
And I know I can be incredibly content all on my own. A lot of the sources of that contentment come from being alone. They are hobbies that I am spending a lot of time on. If I were to be with a woman again, I would need to commit a significant amount of time to her and our relationship, requiring me to give up most of my hobbies. It’s not that I can’t imagine a woman worth giving that up for. What I can’t understand is the general need to be with a woman, and why I feel pain when confronted with the fact that I am alone.
I’m just sharing my angst here, I’m not expecting any answers. Any answers are going to have to come from myself anyway. I am trying to open myself to the pain rather than hide from it, in the hope that I can learn something from it. It’s not working. Of course, having had the most disturbing image in a dream ever last night may not be helping.
Note that between writing this post and posting it, the events of the next post intervened, distracting me completely. All is well.